Riding the crazy train.

There are times in our lives where we become crazy.

I’m not talking legit-medicated-seeking professional help crazy (I’m aware of the non political correctness of the word ‘crazy’, but bear with me), though I’d be lying if I denied that I’ve also been there.

Sometimes however we really do lose ourselves and discover ourselves acting, being and presenting a whole other version of ourselves that when we stop, pause and look in the mirror we find ourselves asking ‘what the hell was that?’

I’ve done this a few times in my life for a number  –  and not all of them negative –  reasons and recently just found myself in those same crazy-shoes and now, sitting in the debris and mess that is leftover I’m wondering the same: ‘what the hell was that?’.

For me, aside from some bad wiring,  two triggers that have kicked off the less-than-stable-crazy behavior have been relationships (and I’m sure that’s common) and a self-destructive streak that runs a mile wide through my personality and self image. They both have triggered some of the most ridiculous of my behaviors – and they come wrapped up together sometimes too, one can feed the other – they can become a self perpetuating cycle.

Yet, they don’t have to be. When we find ourselves staring bewildered at the smoking ruin of what we had thought was our lives there are only two ways to go –  further down, into further ruin (and sometimes you do actually  –  like the man said –  need to hit rock bottom) or you can use it as a learning curve. That may sound cliché, and granted sometimes when presented with loss, ruin or the fallout of self inflicted stupidity the only lessons you feel you you’re going to learn is that life is tough, life is not worth living and happiness is something that happens to other people. Yet even in the midst of despair there are lessons to be learned. That’s assuming that you plan on sticking around on this earth.

I’m trying to learn, because I do plan on sticking around a while longer. And when your own dumbassery comes with a high price tag, if you believe in second chances or you just don’t want your life to be a DVD menu screen repeating the same thirty seconds of movie clip and music ad nauseum you had better learn.

Its worth saying though that some things are worth being a little crazy over – if you’re in love, if you really believe in something. If you find yourself in life where someone else’s happiness genuinely does – in that moment – matter more to you than your own. These things sometimes need a little crazy, crazy is also a form of passion and without passion, without that little bit of insanity we can end up leading quiet, risk averse, safe claustrophobic lives –  That isn’t for me, I need a bit of the crazy in my life.

Yet there is a fine line we walk and straying too far can lead to things that you didn’t want or anticipate – the aforementioned ruin. It’s a dance, and some of us are better at dancing than others.

So don’t beat yourself up too much if you’ve found yourself riding the crazy train – you’re human and that’s what humans do. Take the bits of brick and metal, shattered glass and what’s left of your dignity and build something from it.

: ‘ I have never been insane, except on occasions where someone has touched my heart’  – Edgar Allen Poe

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~ by benephobia on March 16, 2014.

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